As British man found guilty of persuading a US citizen to attempt suicide via the internet, insiders suggest that Burnham government may be about to pivot defence policy to use of such ‘death persuaders’, fire starters, astrally projected killers and other psychic weapons in order to reduce defence spending. Will they be deployed against US to induce Trump administration to commit mass suicide or used against domestic threats like Reform UK?

Are US Republicans covering up death of elderly Senator? Amazing claims that party planning to resurrect Senator from the dead in some form. Media speculates whether advanced medical techniques, Voodoo or puppetry will be used to produce ‘proof-of-life’ for the politician. Wild claims that puppetry previously used to reanimate and extend ‘lives’ of various members of UK Royal Family.

Is Nigel Farage about to urge Britons to have more sex to boost UK’s indigenous population so as to eliminate need for immigration? Extreme right-wing think tank hoping Reform UK leader will endorse their proposals to ‘Breed a Better Britain’ through compulsory heterosexual sex quotas for ‘true Britons’, compulsory contraception for immigrants and a ban on ‘non-productive’ non-heterosexual sex.

Does Donald Trump have a portrait in his attic that grows younger and handsomer the more evil and corrupt be becomes in a reverse ‘Dorian Gray’ situation? Speculation rife that President entered into Faustian pact to excise all goodness from his soul in order to be evil enough to capture Republican vote and ascend to the White House.

After yet another bungled assassination attempt on President Trump, experts ponder whether the US is becoming a nation of amateurs, taking its lead from its incompetent leader and abandoning all professional values. How can a nation of gun-loving psychopaths fail to muster a single assassin capable of shooting straight and hitting a target as large as Trump? Is this the age of American amateurism?

Has FBI director Kash Patel been forcing Bureau employees to take lie detector tests in order to find out who has been leaving huge floaters in his private toilet? Is he, in reality, the ‘Phantom Dumper’, unable to remember his unsanitary misdeeds due to alcohol induced amnesia? Or is it a subconscious expression of his own self-loathing as to his utter incompetence and unworthiness to hold his current position?

Is Britain suffering outbreaks of cannibalism perpetrated by immigrants? Are our grannies being eaten by asylum seekers and our children kidnapped and fattened up for their cannibal feasts? Bizarre claims by Reform UK candidate spark outrage and accusations that Britain’s extreme right are trying to revive crude racial stereotypes of the seventies characterising people of colour as war-paint wearing savages with bones through their noses.

As Homeland Security claims $70 million luxury jet to be used for deportations, questions raised as to whether Trump administration is about to introduce ‘Deportation DeLuxe’ service to incentivise illegal immigrants to leave the country. US think tank proposes further incentivising deportations by building luxury apartments and resorts for deportees in their countries of origin. Brilliant new policy or more immigration madness?