New details of the recent negotiations which culminated in the shotgun marriage of David Cameron and Nick Clegg, to consummate the new Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition government have emerged. “It was clear from the outset that there was, undoubtedly, a strong mutual attraction,” says Dan Pitcher, political correspondent of top gay magazine High Greek. “It was obvious even during the election campaign, when Cameron discreetly squeezed Clegg’s left buttock as they left the stage after the Sky News Leaders’ Debate.” Indeed, Pitcher suspects that Clegg originally caught Cameron’s eye long before the election campaign. “Apparently Cameron was positively gushing when discussing Clegg’s redefinition of economic liberalism in free market terms,” he says. “Mind you, it isn’t just policies that they have in common: not only do they share a privileged, privately educated background, but they’re also both power-hungry political opportunists masquerading as moderates.”

According to Pitcher, Cameron’s flirtation with Clegg continued during an initial meeting between the Conservative and Liberal Democrat leaderships in the aftermath of the hung parliament. “It was when they got onto the subject of fiscal policy – Cameron apparently leant forward and stroked the inside of Clegg’s thigh as he looked him in the eye and earnestly discussed banking regulation,” says the journalist. “Everyone present was left in no doubt that a connection was made.” Not everyone is convinced by Pitcher’s analysis of the situation. “It really is quite absurd to try and characterise this coalition as being the result of some kind of ‘bromance’, with an innocent Nick Clegg being seduced by David Cameron,” huffs Edward Flange, political editor of the Daily Excess. “You know, two chaps who went to the right sort of schools can be purely platonic colleagues, without it all descending into limp wrists and buggery.” Nevertheless, Pitcher stands by his claims, pointing to the fact that the election campaign was completely male-dominated. “We’ve just experienced the most homo-erotic election in decades,” he says. “All those alpha males facing off against each other in live debates – you could just smell the testosterone! The sexual charge they created was palpable – I’m willing to bet that every man in the audience had a stonking hard on by the end of each debate! There’s no doubt that it’s resulted in a truly well hung Parliament!”

According to Pitcher a series of one-on-one meetings between Cameron and Clegg followed their initial negotiations, with the aim of cementing the union. “Cameron took him to a candle lit dinner in a private room at one of London’s top restaurants,” claims Pitcher. “They spent all evening playing footsie under the table as Cameron tried to convince Clegg of the virtues of his ‘Big Society’.” However, according to Pitcher, rumours that the dinner ended with a kiss are wide of the mark. “Clegg’s an old-fashioned guy, and he doesn’t kiss on a first date,” he says. “Mind you, there’s no doubt that by this stage Cameron was getting tired of making all the running – after that dinner and the flowers he’d sent Clegg, he felt he was entitled to expect Clegg to put out, and commit to swallowing something firm and concrete.” Consequently, the venue for the next meeting was a luxury suite in one of London’s top hotels. “Cameron originally wanted something more subtle, like a weekend at a small country Bed and Breakfast,” observes Pitcher. “But the Tories’ Home Affairs spokesman, Chris Grayling, just didn’t approve of it.”

Although Clegg was clearly overawed by his surroundings, much to Cameron’s frustration, he still refused to consummate the deal. “Cameron had actually managed to get Clegg into bed with him, silk sheets, the lot, but he point blank refused to go all the way without a promise of some kind of protection,” Pitcher explains. “Without a commitment to, at the very least, a referendum on proportional representation, there was no way he was going to agree to a full union. Well, there was no way a traditionalist like Cameron was going to agree to that – he sticks to the principle that if he comes first then he shouldn’t have to pull out. Of forming a government, that is.” However, the whole relationship looked set to founder when it emerged that Clegg had apparently been two-timing Cameron, seeing Prime Minister Gordon Brown behind the Tory leader’s back. “You can imagine how upset Cameron was,” says Pitcher. “Clegg was coming away from champagne and caviar at the Savoy, Cameron’s endearments still ringing in his ears, and going straight to some dingy back street pub, for a furtive assignation with Brown over a couple of pints of bitter and a packet of smoky bacon crisps.”

Pitcher admits that Clegg’s fling with Brown came as something of a surprise to most observers. “Initially Clegg had rejected the craggy charms of the older man, feeling him to be too authoritarian and domineering, forcing Clegg into a passive role in the relationship,” he explains. “But, the fact is that Clegg has a record of seeking out father figures – Paddy Ashdown, Vince Cable, Menzies Campbell – so his clandestine affair with Brown shouldn’t have come as a surprise really. The again, it’s entirely possible that after sampling the smooth, Old Etonian, charms of Cameron, Clegg just fancied a bit of rough.” Nevertheless, Pitcher suspects that Brown himself might not have been the main attraction for Clegg during his brief flirtation with the dour Scotsman. “As it turned out, Brown wasn’t just making overtures on his own account, he was also touting David Milliband as a sweetener to any deal,” he reveals. “Young, smooth and charming, Milliband is much more Clegg’s cup of tea – it’s long been rumoured that he’s very open to a back door approach from the Foreign Secretary.”

Pitcher’s version of events relating to the Brown-Clegg tryst have been challenged by some commentators, not least Jimmy Nance, editor of socialist publication Left Footer. “Everybody knows that Clegg originally knocked Brown back because he can’t handle a real man,” he opines. “But as it turned out, Cameron was too much for him to handle – according to my sources, a deal foundered on Cameron’s demands that Clegg black up and dress as a prostitute. He ran screaming from the room, straight back into the arms of Brown!” Nance believes that the Conservative-Liberal democrat deal was only salvaged after Cameron dropped his demands for black face, conceding that Clegg need only wear drag in private meetings between the two. In public, simply wearing women’s underwear would suffice. Nonetheless, Nance seriously doubts whether the coalition will prove viable in the long-term. “There are still so many issues to be resolved. I mean, who is the bitch and who is the butch in this relationship?” he muses. “They’re both so effete, neither of them comes across as rugged or domineering, do they?” Nance has also warned Clegg that his new relationship could be short lived. “Once Dave’s got what he wants, he won’t hesitate to trade Clegg in for some new floozy,” he says. “He’s got form for it – just ask David Davis. One minute Dave was all over him on the back seat of Cameron’s Rolls Royce, the next minute he finds himself unceremoniously dumped on some back road without his trousers, while Dave gets it on with George Osborne.”