Reviews:

Trash Classics Reviewed and Rated

Knights of Cumalot (Handjob, 2003)

In this version of the Quest for the Holy Grail, Queen Guinevere, has taken to her bed with an incurable affliction - 'the wound that never heals'. Little does King Arthur know, but this affliction is actually a bad case of the clap which she has caught from his favourite knight, Sir Thrustalot......more

Stop...Carry On! (Goodfellow Prductions, 1997)

Featuring cult Radio One DJs Mark and Lard, this low budget British comedy sees local radio DJ Mark Flakers (Mark Radcliffe), flleing to Blackpool in an attempt to avoid gold diggers following a lottery win. He and his friend and Marc Donnelly (Lard) subsequently find themselves involved with a gang of counterfeiters led by town mayor Fat Harry White (Radcliffe, again) and the mysterious, but beautiful, Miss Laycock...more

Deviants Are Forever (Handjob, 2001)

Adapted from the novel by Ian Phlegming, this is the fourth of the popular James Bondage series, and the second starring Rump Gulley as Bondage. This episode pits the super-spy against yet another bizarre enemy of the Crown, this time European porn baron Oral Phallus (a great performance from Dutch actor Jan Zinzanbrook). The plot (such as it is) is somewhat confusing, involving the efforts of Phallus and his henchman Blojob (Harry Barse) to corner the European porn market by destroying the EU porn mountain, secretly stored at a Scottish castle...more

The Search for Cock (Budli, 1969)

An enterprising piece of science fiction smut - basically an unauthorised erotic remake of original Star Trek pilot episode The Cage - this amazing shoestring production was filmed in Turkey, where such copyright infringing knock-offs were commonplace in the 1960s and 1970s. Lured to an uncharted planet by a false distress call from a long-lost space ship, Captain Pikestaff of the Starship Zipperfish, finds himself captured and imprisoned by a group of underground-dwelling alien pornographers. They want to film him breeding with their other human specimen - the pneumatic Mary-Ellen (Dolly Balongas), the sole survivor of the crashed space ship...more

Bondage Beach (Gamahuche, 1972)

An attempt to parody the Beach Party films of the 1960s, Bondage Beach comes off surprisingly well, replicating the cheap and cheerful feel of the originals. Thankfully, however, it doesn’t feature beach movie veterans Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. Purporting to be set in California, but actually shot on a Norfolk beach in March, the film concerns the attempts of various rival factions to win the local heat of the Romantic Restraint Monthly bondage contest...more

From Shamrock to Swastika (Bulldog, 2000)

Another incredible reinterpretation (some would say travesty) of history from independent British writer/director Sid Dukie, From Shamrock to Swastika depicts Joseph Kennedy, father of JFK, as being a Nazi collaborator hell-bent on Britain’s defeat in World War Two. According to Dukie, Kennedy founded his family fortune on bootlegging during prohibition - with the aid of his Grandfather’s secret poteen recipe he becomes Al Capone’s biggest liquor supplier - and uses his profits to finance Irish leader Eamonn DeValera’s continuing terrorist campaign against Britain...more

The Privates of Frankenstein (Hammer/Felchmeister, 1962)

Instead of carrying out brain transplants, Frankenstein finds himself treating a famous male stripper Dick Wheat (Harry Barse - later to play Blojob in softcore Bond-ripoff Deviants are Forever), who has had acid thrown over his privates by a jealous rival. The good doctor proceeds to transplant a penis from a recently deceased sex-offender. The remainder of the film unfolds in a predictable fashion...more

Highway of the Driving Dead (Hampton, 2007)

From the outset, this low-budget British horror flick makes clear its no-holds barred approach. In the opening scene a car full of youths speeds along the M25 orbital motorway, pulling alongside an old Rover carrying an elderly couple, one of the youths lowers his window and moons at the oldsters. In response the elderly woman passenger of the Rover winds down her window, leans across, and bites a huge chunk out of the guy's arse...more

Son of Jesus (Eagle-Lion, 1956)

Young Ezekial arrives in First Century Galilee to claim his inheritance of his grandfather’s carpentry business, but is told by his guardian that he is in fact the son of Jesus. Suspicion soon falls on Ezekial when a series of bizarre murders take place - the victims are all in some way connected with the crucifixion of Christ...more

That's Spanking! (Mapatasi, 1975)

After the success of such compilation films as That’s Entertainment and That’s Dancing it was perhaps inevitable that something similar would be produced for more specialist markets. Porn specialists Mapatasi were happy to oblige with this collection of classic celluloid spanking moments...more

My Gun is Long (Mapatasi/Felcheimer, 1977)

Hard boiled private eye Tom Mulligan is hired to investigate the suicide of a British MP, which leads him into a complex blackmail plot involving a missing underground hardcore porn film, an extreme masochist group and a gang of Baader-Meinhoff style German terrorists. Homophobic Mulligan pursues his investigations with brutal vigour, but is eventually forced to acknowledge his attraction to tough and masterful men...more

Ghoul Without a Groin (Mapatasi, 1971)

Police Inspector Jack Horn investigates a series of mysterious deaths in the vicinity of a US Air Force base in Britain. The victims seem to have choked to death and large amounts of apparently human semen have been found in their stomachs. Convinced that leaked radioactive material from American nuclear weapons have created a race of mutant sex fiends, the local villagers, urged on by local wheelchair-bound scientist Professor Hammerhead, attempt to storm the base...more

The Erotic Experiments of Professor Mandrake (Mount-Falcon, 1973)

Randy mad scientists, homoeroticism, a ludicrous plot and past their prime stars - yes, its another 1970s European erotic horror pic. This little-known Franco-Spanish gem opens with crazy camp scientist Professor Mandrake (George Sanders) sending his servant - a cross-dressing werewolf - to kidnap Frankenstein’s monster. It seems that mincing Mandrake has been admiring the monster from afar and wants to make certain ‘modifications’ to him before taking him as his gay lover...more

Kiss My Whip (Mapatasi, 1975)

Using the framework of the traditional private eye thriller, director Eric Cocker fashions a startling tale of suppressed desires and unspoken lusts erupting into a mundane everyday world. As his hard-boiled hero Tom Mulligan (played by beefcake pin-up and reputed part-time rent-boy Biff Gloy), stalks the damp and grey South London badlands in search of an old friend's missing daughter, he finds himself disturbed by his growing fascination with sado-masochism and his hitherto hidden desire to be dominated by tough women...more

Adventures of a Door-to-Door Male Prostitute (Constable, 1983)

Fired from his job as a meat packer when caught doing something unspeakable with a frozen chicken, young Barry Stumper (Robert Sternpost) is forced to find employment of a less conventional kind and finds himself trudging door to door, offering his sexual services to bored housewives. Wandering around various run-down London housing estates with his briefcase full of sex-aids, Barry finds himself embroiled in several strange adventures and is even mistaken for a murderer...more

Dr Jekyll and Mr Black (Bojack, 1973)

Updated to 1970s Los Angeles, this version of the oft-told tale has wimpish (and white) right-winger Dr Jekyll working in a hospital in the predominantly black Watts area. Toiling in his spare time to develop a serum which will tame the aggression of the "black savages" (as he views them), Jekyll finds that the stress of his work has rendered him impotent and unable to satisfy his wife's sexual desires. Trying his latest serum on himself, Jekyll turns into a handsome, and amazingly well-endowed, black man...more

Handjob's Half Hour (Morning Pride, 1970-73)

One of the unlikeliest of porn stars, Percy Peaslin traded on his remarkable resemblance to the late British comedian Tony Hancock to make a series of short films under the name Tony Handjob, which were basically porn versions of the popular 1960s TV series Hancock's Half Hour. Usually dressed in a homburg and raincoat, Handjob was basically a frustrated working class-type with aspirations to culture and grandeur. Forever thwarted in his attempts to bed various glamourous women, Handjob would frequently take refuge in elaborate masturbatory fantasies. Often a film would climax with him being rudely interrupted just as he was about to shoot his load...more

Hockey Girl's Holiday (Mapatasi/Constable, 1971)

The best known of Mapatasi's popular series of soft-porn St Trinian's parodies is now available on video. This episode sees the fifth-form hockey team on tour in France (actually East Sussex) and encountering the illegitimate male off-spring of a local count who are busy duelling to prove their right to his inheritance. This obviously involves several hockey matches and a contest to see who can bed the most under-age girls. There is a stand-out performance from a well-known British comedian playing Old Marcel the Randy Groundsman. His expression as he reaches climax with Rebecca Tinter (Theresa Tiffin) was not the result of ecstasy, but rather a fatal heart attack...more

Sherlock Holmes and The Whips of Fear (Old Holborn, 1966)

Featuring Holmes and Watson's attempts to find out why a series of erotic sculptures have had their penises shot off, the film somehow encompasses distinctive genital warts, repressed homosexuality and strange masonic knob-shaking rituals. In the course of their investigations the duo are required to visit several Victorian brothels and observe various bizarre fetishes (at one point Wiliam Gladstone - portrayed by Emmerdale Farm's Toke Townley - is seen having his naked buttocks slapped with a glistening wet fish)...more

I Married a Homosexual From Outer Space (Bardache, 1985)

Virile amateur rugby player Tom Tranny's stag night takes a turn for the worse when he finds himself chained naked to a lampost and abandoned by his friends, just as violent thunderstorm breaks. Facing the prospect of a long, cold, wet and humiliating night, he unexpectedly sees the possibility of salvation when he spots the stripping 'traffic warden' from his stag party approaching him. His relief rapidly turns to horror when a flash of lightning reveals the stripper's true form - an alien drag queen! Sadly, despite this brisk opening, what should have been a tense paranoid thriller along the lines of The Stepford Wives finds itself fatally undermined by its giveaway title...more

It's a Mad, Bad Aryan World! (Auger, 1965)

Featuring a stellar cast of Z-grade 'stars' and allegedly filmed on exotic locations all over Europe (all of which seem to look like rat-infested stinking rubbish tips), this bizarre international co-production sees a dying Hitler (played by popular Mexican slapstick performer and serial Hitler impersonator Juan Garbonza), fatally injured in a car crash whilst evading the authorities, revealing the location of hidden Nazi loot a to a disparate group of US, British and Soviet troops in 1945 occupied Germany. Naturally, an hilarious madcap chase ensues, as the various parties all attempt to double and triple cross eachother in their hunt for the loot. All the while they are being observed by both allied Military Police and Intelligence agents, not to mention ex-SS and Gestapo men eager to get the funds they need to finance the Fourth Reich...more